Grief and Coping Skills
The loss of a precious baby affects everyone in many different ways and can bring about different grief reactions in people. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no set pattern of how you may grieve the loss of your baby.
Grief is often said to be like a roller coaster ride, of ups and downs and nice flat stretches as well.
Here we have shared some grief reactions to let you know it is ok and normal to feel this way and experience these reactions.
Thoughts, Feelings & Emotions
Disbelief & Denial
When you are told there is something wrong with your baby or your baby has died it is hard to believe those words. Some families have said they simply didn't believe it and waited and hoped that it was not true. Sometimes families need to see for themselves that their baby has passed away.
Disbelief and denial is said to be a natural protective coping mechanism.
Questioning
Why? Why me? Why my baby? How?
These are very normal questions but ones that there may not be any answers to.
If only's, what if's and could have been's..
You might find yourself questioning things, going over everything leading up to the birth of your baby, and thinking forward wondering about all the could have been's, if only my baby was here, what if I went to the doctors earlier? what could it have been like to have my baby here with me now? You might find yourself asking and wondering all the if only's, whats if's and could have been's in the time ahead without your baby.
Coping
You may feel like you are unable to cope and not know how to get through another day. Coping with day to day life after the loss of your baby can be very hard work. Reach out and talk to someone, call TLC on the free call bereavement support line 1800 824 240. Know that this is a very normal real reaction to the loss of your baby. You can cope and you can get through another day you just might need some help support to do that.
Feeling numb
Many parents have expressed feeling numb. Feeling on the outside looking in with the world just going around.
Loneliness
You may feel very alone, that you are the only one this has happened to, you may not know who to turn to or feel that you are alone in your grief. We here at TLC are here for you please just contact us.
Yearning
Many families tell of such a deep yearning to have their baby's with them, to hold their babies close and to simply have them safe and alive in their arms. Yearning for the family they had hoped and planned for.
Anger
You might feel angry. Angry at the people around you, loved ones, life. This is a normal reaction but please tell someone if this anger feels like it is getting on top of you.
Blame
It is a normal response to want to find somewhere to lay blame or someone to blame for the loss of your baby.
Fear
You may find yourself experiencing fear. Fearing normal situations that you had coped with in the past. Fearing that something may happen to someone else you love and care about. Fearing going to the shops or facing people. It is normal to experience these fears but if you find them overwhelming and stopping you form doing the things you want and need to then please speak with your doctor.
Anxiety
Feeling anxious nervous and worried can be a common reaction to grief. If the your anxiety is interrupting your day to day life please tell someone about how you are feeling and speak with your doctor.
Depression
Depression is a very real serious medical condition. It is important to be able to recognise the symptoms of depression and tell someone how you are feeling. Please seek medical advice.
Jealousy
You may find yourself experiencing some feelings that you would not normally find yourself experiencing.
Happiness
It is also ok to be happy, often we feel a sense of guilt if we are having a laugh or enjoying yourself. Don't feel guilty, remember you are human and just because you are feeling happy doesn't mean you have forgotten about your baby.
Triggers
You might find that certain things or situations trigger emotions in you that bring hurt pain and tears. these triggers may affect you in the early days to any time in the days months years ahead. It might be the weather, a scent, a song, a pregnant woman, a new baby, a twin pram, the baby isle in a shop, a comment or conversation, a celebration, a holiday or it could be a special place you have visited.
World going around It may look and feel to you that your family and friends will be just getting on and moving on with life- many bereaved parents say that once they experience the loss of a baby their life seems like it stops. This is a very true statement, however we must acknowledge that life for others will go on. This can be hard as it may seem like they don't care but often this is not case. Remember every day is a new day, to get through just one day is an accomplishment.
You do NOT have to make allowances for others feelings and thoughts about the loss of your baby/babies.
Families and Friends
Grandparents may grieve for their children's sorrow and pain whilst grieving for the loss of their grandchild
Family and friends may not know what to say or do, and so avoid talking about the loss of your baby all together
Family & friends have said they wished they could take your pain and hurt away and so feel quite helpless because they cant
Children may be fearful and clingy or act differently
Children may ask many questions
Children may be confused by the meaning of death
Children may ask questions about where their baby brother or sister has gone.
TLC has a library of books which deal specifically with Grief and children
Coping Skills
It is important to try to take care of your physical emotional well being - here are some suggested ways to help yourself
Cry
It is ok to cry. No matter when or where. The release of your tears can often bring a good feeling. One of letting go and getting it out.
Talk and share
Talking about your baby, how you feel, the thoughts you have can be very healing and helpful. Find someone you trust and feel comfortable with to talk with. It might be your partner, a family member, your friend or you might like to seek support from someone who has also experienced the loss of a baby. Talking about how you feel what you are going thought is helpful also as it gives those around you a deeper understanding of what you are going through and possibly ways of how they can be therefor you. TLC is here for you please contact us if you want or need someone to talk with who understand pregnancy & infant loss. TLC also provides professional counselling.
Support
You might feel the desire to connect with others who have experienced and understands the loss of baby's. TLC offers many support services such as hospital visits, professional counselling, free call bereavement support line, support groups & online support groups. You might be looking for specific support to meed your needs. Please seek that support you are looking for. TLC offers and Australia wide support service directory
Journaling/Writing
Journalling and writing is a really good way to express yourself. It may help you to make sense of your feelings.It can also be a really healing to write letters to your baby. You can then put them in a box. It is the process of being bale to say all the things you wish you could have said or done with your baby.
Memories Keepsakes
Honouring your baby with special keepsakes and making treasured memories can bring you much comfort from acknowledging your son or daughter.
Exercise
Try to get some exercise, go for nice walks and get some fresh air. It can be a time of peaceful reflection or a way to vent any anger or frustrations.
Give yourself Time
Time to grieve. Know there is no time limit as to when you may start to feel a little better.
Go at your own pace
Not feeling pressured. Remember to always do what is right for you and your family. You are living this.
Time Alone
Do things to make yourself feel nice- have a relaxing massage, get your hair done, go for long walks, retail therapy!
For Dad as well- Play golf or sports you enjoy, treat yourself to a massage, know its ok to do the things you used to do to enjoy yourself.
Time Together
Spend time together- Go out to dinner, book a weekend away, enjoy each others company at home.
Personal Quote
"It is more than the loss of your baby, Loss of chance at motherhood, Loss of being blissfully unaware" Nikki in memory of ~Bella~
