The loss of a precious baby affects everyone in many different ways and can bring about different grief reactions in people. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no set pattern of how you may grieve the loss of your baby.
Grief is often said to be like a roller coaster ride, of ups and downs and nice flat stretches as well.
Here we have shared some grief reactions to let you know it is ok and normal to feel this way and experience these reactions.
Thoughts, Feelings & Emotions
Disbelief & Denial
When you are told there is something wrong with your baby or your baby has died it is hard to believe those words. Some families have said they simply didn’t believe it and waited and hoped that it was not true. Sometimes families need to see for themselves that their baby has passed away.
Disbelief and denial is said to be a natural protective coping mechanism.
Why? Why me? Why my baby? How?
These are very normal questions but ones that there may not be any answers to.
If only’s, what if’s and could have been’s..
You might find yourself questioning things, going over everything leading up to the birth of your baby, and thinking forward wondering about all the could have been’s, if only my baby was here, what if I went to the doctors earlier? what could it have been like to have my baby here with me now? You might find yourself asking and wondering all the if only’s, whats if’s and could have been’s in the time ahead without your baby.
You may feel like you are unable to cope and not know how to get through another day. Coping with day to day life after the loss of your baby can be very hard work. Reach out and talk to someone, call TLC on the free call bereavement support line 1800 824 240. Know that this is a very normal real reaction to the loss of your baby. You can cope and you can get through another day you just might need some help support to do that.
Many parents have expressed feeling numb. Feeling on the outside looking in with the world just going around.
You may feel very alone, that you are the only one this has happened to, you may not know who to turn to or feel that you are alone in your grief. We are here for you please contact us.
Many families tell of such a deep yearning to have their baby’s with them, to hold their babies close and to simply have them safe and alive in their arms. Yearning for the family they had hoped and planned for.
You might feel angry. Angry at the people around you, loved ones, life. This is a normal reaction but please tell someone if this anger feels like it is getting on top of you.
It is a normal response to want to find somewhere to lay blame or someone to blame for the loss of your baby.
You may find yourself experiencing fear. Fearing normal situations that you had coped with in the past. Fearing that something may happen to someone else you love and care about. Fearing going to the shops or facing people. It is normal to experience these fears but if you find them overwhelming and stopping you form doing the things you want and need to then please speak with your doctor.
Feeling anxious nervous and worried can be a common reaction to grief. If the your anxiety is interrupting your day to day life please tell someone about how you are feeling and speak with your doctor.
Depression is a very real serious medical condition. It is important to be able to recognise the symptoms of depression and tell someone how you are feeling. Please seek medical advice.
You may find yourself experiencing some feelings that you would not normally find yourself experiencing.
It is also ok to be happy, often we feel a sense of guilt if we are having a laugh or enjoying yourself. Don’t feel guilty, remember you are human and just because you are feeling happy doesn’t mean you have forgotten about your baby.
You might find that certain things or situations trigger emotions in you that bring hurt pain and tears. these triggers may affect you in the early days to any time in the days months years ahead. It might be the weather, a scent, a song, a pregnant woman, a new baby, a twin pram, the baby isle in a shop, a comment or conversation, a celebration, a holiday or it could be a special place you have visited.
World going around It may look and feel to you that your family and friends will be just getting on and moving on with life- many bereaved parents say that once they experience the loss of a baby their life seems like it stops. This is a very true statement, however we must acknowledge that life for others will go on. This can be hard as it may seem like they don’t care but often this is not case. Remember every day is a new day, to get through just one day is an accomplishment.
You do NOT have to make allowances for others feelings and thoughts about the loss of your baby/babies.
Families and Friends
Grandparents may grieve for their children’s sorrow and pain whilst grieving for the loss of their grandchild Family and friends may not know what to say or do, and so avoid talking about the loss of your baby all together Family & friends have said they wished they could take your pain and hurt away and so feel quite helpless because they cant Children may be fearful and clingy or act differently Children may ask many questions Children may be confused by the meaning of death Children may ask questions about where their baby brother or sister has gone. TLC has a library of books which deal specifically with Grief and children